I will not be posting anything in the near future. I don’t know for how long or if I will just delete the entire blog.
I know I have issues with my health and that has affected my memory. So when someone says I did something, I basically have to deal with the fallout. Sometimes I remember if I did it or not but I do apologize for my behavior if I did it or not. I have been told I am making excuses however that is not true. My dreams are so realistic that I can’t tell what is real or if I dreamt it. Trying to sort it out by asking aggravates my family and friends. It also aggravates them when I ask them multiple times because I don’t remember. I have talked to my neurologist about it but he can’t say if I have or have not a stroke and We can’t do further testing because it is so expensive.
I want to get something off my chest. I have never qualified for the Affordable Care Act. I am too poor. I am one step away from not having food in my stomach or a roof over my head. I don’t qualify for State Medicaid because I am not a single mom or pregnant. I don’t have breast cancer or either ovarian or uterine cancer. I may not qualify BUT 20+ million people have insurance and have had cancer and other diseases who were knocking on deaths door. The Republicans want to repeal the Affordable Care Act without a fix to put in place.
I used to dream of turning 40. I would have been married with at least 3 kids. A career that I chose. Maybe said husband would’ve thrown a surprise party; old friends that would have shown up.
Outside of my immediate family, I have been written off. I put others happiness ahead of my own. I can be confrontational when it is called for but after that, they say I need help or I don’t know what I am talking about.
My self esteem and self worth are at a all time low. How I see myself when I look into a mirror; oh who am I kidding, I avoid all reflective surfaces. I don’t know who or what I am anymore. Oldest of four and pretty sure (99.9999%) if something happened to me, he wouldn’t miss a step or look back. When the pain levels in both my brain, muscles and bones get like this, I actually hope that there is an aneurysm that will burst. A handful maybe two would notice I would be gone and only a handful, who would notice, will ever read this. Look up the word Toska in Russian. That’s me. I am going to be 40 in like 6 weeks and I know how it will play out. Well wishes from Facebook. The obligatory phone call from one brother who just sends me a voicemail through his voicemail so he doesn’t have to talk to me. My father won’t call. Back to those Facebook friends, they are the friendships that haven’t left me since I got sick. Friendships that I had for decades gone because a multitude of reasons. Wake up and then nothing until bedtime when the pain and nightmares begin again.
My friendships that ended last year. One who left threw every self doubt I expressed over the last 25 years in my face. She used to say things to me that are not true to make me feel better and then she threw that in my face. False hope.
It is my own fault. I should have seen it coming but I never do. Lost one of my high school best friends because another friend wanted said friends complete attention and threw me under the bus for some I was going to talk to her about that day. Guess who got there first and lied.
My first day in 4th grade at a public school and no friends in my class. I realized soon after that: when the popular cheerleader says she wants to be your friend, it is to get something to torture you with, make fun of you, or is soooooooo bored because she and her friends are fighting; she sits to talk to you until they are ready to make up. Oops there went that supposed “friend”. Anytime that said person gave a compliment after that meant absolutely nothing, it was a fake compliment. I remember the bullying in elementary school, middle school and high school. Hell, teachers in middle and high school bullied me, the one in middle school was the hardest one to take. Knowing that while she went off on me 2 days in a weeks time frame, my entire grade could hear her yelling and threatening me and no one did anything to help. Other teachers just allowed it to happen. People wonder about me well above is a sliver of me
I think that unless you live this life, you can’t imagine it. I have had friends & family who have one or two migraines and then say I can’t believe you do this daily. Of course, they are the first ones to walk out of my life. Long time friends leave saying the same as doctors, ‘I am tired of the excuses’. You have so many people who care that you do get up everyday. I don’t know that I could keep going. You are such a wonderful friend and cheerleader for SOOOO many people.